I have to admit this whole Miss California brouhaha kind of escaped my radar until that press conference was held yesterday. Unfortunately it was carried on all the cable news stations and given the gravitas of a Mid East Summit. So yesterday was the first time I really gave my full attention to the story.

First impression: This girl doesn't seem too bright. She was rambling on about her rights and photoshopping and anything else that came into her head. She was really mad. At who I'm not sure, but I guess it's the people who said she had a boob job and the people who published the nude pictures of her. The only beauty contest winner I can name is Vanessa Williams and the reason I remember her is because she was the first Miss America to get caught posing for nude photos. So this dimwit doesn't realize that whoever published the pictures did her a solid.

Second impression: Do I really care what she thinks about abortion or gay rights? Not really. Did you listen to her yesterday? She's a moron. Plus today Fox News announced that she's going to appear on their channel as a substitute host. Need I say more? (By the way, all beauty pageant winners end up working in media...as hand models on the Home Shopping Network.)

Third Impression: Who cares about beauty pageants anymore? I'm pretty sure the Miss America pageant is held in somebody's basement and televised on public access. I think beauty pageants ended when Bert Parks died. The only people that care about them are the noodle heads who enter them, their screwed up families who encourage them, Shriners and Donald Trump. Have you ever seen that film about the crazy people who schlep their three year olds around the country, dress them like little twenty year olds so they can win a trophy and a $500 savings bond, which will no doubt go towards their enormous psychiatric bill when they're old enough to realize the damage their parents did to them? These people are creepy. I'm pretty sure Miss California comes from this culture. Would I ever seriously listen to the opinions of anybody connected with these sick people and their pedophile fans about politics? Please.

Fourth Impression: If Donald Trump is so rich, why can't he get a hair transplant? Does he really think he's putting one over on us with that absurd comb-over? It looks like he let the hair on his back grow out and he combs that over his head. Who takes this guy seriously? Oh, I forgot. He hangs out with beauty pageant contestants.

Fifth Impression: Larry King should quit. Give it up. Out here on the west coast his show comes on at six o'clock, so I always breeze by to see what "Newsmaker" he's interviewing. For the last two weeks he's been obsessed with this beauty pageant thing. And when he's not doing the pageant, he's got on some person connected with a five-year-old murder case. It seems like every defendant is named Peterson. Girls if I were you, I'd keep away from anyone named Peterson or you'll end up at the bottom of some swamp and people like Larry King will show unflattering pictures of you on television. (By the way, in all these cases, why are we shocked when after years of investigation the murderer always turns out the be the husband? Now I'm no Sherlock Holmes, but I'm starting to see a pattern.) And who are the idiots that fall in love with these creeps while they're under investigation? I'll bet they used to be child beauty pageant contestants. See? Everything is connected. Life is a circle.

Thank you for letting me rant. I feel better now.