Election Night
May 22, 2008

Pundits, pollsters and professionals are still scratching their heads and checking their numbers as David Cook, written off for dead just days ago won a landslide victory over David Archuleta on American Idol. With 100% of the vote in, Cook scored an impressive twelve-point win.

“Cook obviously benefited from the bad weather in the northeast” said MSNBC’s Chuck Todd. “The storms increased the “Shut-In” vote and people who normally wouldn’t have voted, spent hours casting their ballots.”  CNN’s Bill Schneider said the “Swift Boating” of Cook (Citizens For Vinyl’s smear campaign accusing Cook of lip-synching) probably caused a major backlash.

The recent Gallup poll had Archuleta up nationally by as much as 9 points. The Zogby poll had Archuleta up by 14. In fact, ABC news called the contest for Archuleta hours before the phone lines had closed. What went wrong?  Archuleta held his own with his base of rural white voters and elderly women.  However Cook benefited from a large turnout from the youth vote, people who are tired of watching “CSI” and a strong showing in the western states, who view the show on a three-hour tape delay.

Analyst and numbers cruncher Nancy O’Dell said that voter preferences on the day of performance sometimes change after an hour or two of watching other shows, especially comedies. She cited Helio Castroneves upset win over Spice Girl Mel B on season 5 of “Dancing With The Stars”.

All agreed that a turning point in the election happened during the last debate when Cook said that he would include the Rolling Stones “Exile On Main Street” as one of his desert island CDs.  Archuleta stood firm in his picks of Shakira and Hillary Duff. The press and media called Cook’s pick as “a cheap stunt” and “pandering” to the baby boomers. Cook shrugged off the criticism and continued rehearsals.

Cook had been thrown off his game during the preliminaries when a video of his minister expressing strong loyalties for disco icons “The Bee Gees” surfaced. Archuleta Director Of Communications Simon Cowell branded Cook a “retro-elitist” and demanded he renounce his minister, which most likely led to his poor showing in states like Kentucky and West Virginia where voters have a strong distaste for anything from the 1970’s.

There were voting irregularities reported in Wisconsin where an electrical storm in the Milwaukee area (An Archuleta stronghold) briefly knocked out power, leaving landline phones useless for three hours.  In Florida, elderly voters complained that the instructions flashed on the screen were too complicated and ended up casting their votes for Cook instead of Archuleta.

Archuleta spokesman Randy Jackson told reporters on a conference call this morning that because of the irregularities in Milwaukee and Florida, “This election isn’t over. Every ballot must count. We’re planning on taking this to floor of the Grammy Awards in Los Angeles.”

My War Sacrifice
May 20, 2008

I read last week how President Bush gave up golf as his way of sacrificing for the troops in Iraq.  Well, I sacrificed, too.

The other day I was driving back from a tough workout at the gym when I hit a large pothole. The incident caused the steel in my right front radial tire to crack, resulting in an ominous looking lump on the side of the tire.

I went to my service station to have the tire replaced, thinking I had a sturdy, steel belted tire waiting to be pressed into service in my trunk. Nope. I had what they call a “donut”, a cheap, barely legal spare that is used only in emergencies and can only last about fifty miles before it explodes. Plus the lump was growing. It was now officially a bubble. I needed a new tire.

Because my regular neighborhood tire place went out of business last year, I had to search for another tire outlet that carried my specific tire. I found one about twenty miles from my home. Summoning all my courage, I got into the car and drove the twenty miles very slowly, praying that it wouldn’t blow out on my way to the store. My steely gaze was locked on the road making sure I didn’t hit another pothole or bump and despite the breaks in the light traffic, I fought the temptation and never went over forty miles an hour.

Upon reaching the outlet I was told that I had to buy two new tires, that just replacing one was dangerous and could screw with the alignment of the car. Since I’m such an expert on automobiles, I nodded blankly and said, “Okay”

I waited almost two hours in the waiting room, which was NOT air-conditioned.  The only magazines they had were about cars and Vibe. Sweating profusely, I read every article in Vibe. Twice.  Finally I got the bill, $384.  I paid and rushed back home, speeding to get ahead of the afternoon commuter rush.

Why was this a war sacrifice, you ask? Simple. If there were no war in Iraq, local and state governments would have more money to fix roads and highways. The pothole I hit obviously would never have been there, and I’d be $384 richer.  Like a true soldier I never wavered as I got the estimate and never complained as I sat guard in the sweltering waiting room.

Like President Bush, I made a sacrifice for the troops. Plus I learned how 50 Cent got his name, thanks to Vibe.

So… How’s The Weather?
May 14, 2008

Earthquakes in China. Cyclones in Burma. Tornados all over the southeast. Drought in the west. Flooding in the Midwest.  Hmmm… Ya think there’s something to this crazy notion of “Global Warming”?

When I moved to California twenty-five years ago, I didn’t have air conditioning. Didn’t need it. The humidity was always low and anytime it got hot, I just opened a window. Great breeze. Great sleeping weather.

Then the cooling breeze started becoming more infrequent so I reluctantly bought air-conditioning. Humidity was down so I used it maybe ten days a year, and turn it off at night ‘cause it was still good sleeping weather.

Now I can’t live without air conditioning. Turned it on for a few days last month (April!). Humidity has gone up over the past five years. The AC stays on most of the summer. It stays on at night because it makes for good sleeping weather.

Last year I went to China in August. You want hot? A cooling trend meant it would only reach sweltering.  We were in Xian visiting the Terra Cotta Warriors. It was 110. Not good.  Unfortunately the warriors are housed in a special building to prevent decomposition that has no air conditioning. The temperature inside the building was 135 degrees. I kid you not.  What does 135 degrees feel like? Well, after 115, there really isn’t much difference except for the number of passed out people you have to step over.

Things got so bad that one night in Shanghai we stood in front of a Gap store on Nanjing Road for an hour just to soak up some of the AC wafting out the front door. You’d buy a bottled water to cool off, and if you didn’t drink it up fast, the water would start to boil.

So maybe the global warming naysayers should take a few minutes and watch the Weather Channel. Me? I’ve learned my lesson. Never travel abroad during the summer. I’ll stay home this July and August and turn on my beloved AC. And pray there isn’t a power failure.

Her Legacy
May 11, 2008

There was an article in the May 10th Los Angeles Times (W. VA could spell trouble for Obama) about Barack Obama’s trouble connecting with the West Virginia voters. 

“Others, they say will find reason to doubt (Obama’s) patriotism or will perceive him to be an elitist”

“…A schoolteacher hears regularly from her students. “They’re convinced (Obama) is a Muslim, a terrorist, a guy who’s coming to take away their guns”

“Obama “takes the cake” (a voter) said, “because of, you know, who he is.” He suspects Obama for his “Muslim name” and comments by his former pastor… “He’s just a mistake any way you look at him”

The sad fact is that these West Virginians will never vote for a democrat in the general election. The rich and the stupid are the republican base. The only reason they’re not voting for Obama is because Hillary has given them the green light to use hatred and racism to rationalize their vote. (Note to Hillary: If you think these same people are going to vote for you in the general election, you’re more deluded than we thought.)

After Indiana and North Carolina, the conventional wisdom was that Clinton would continue on, but temper her shots at Obama. On the contrary, she has been more divisive than ever with her “Hard working, white Americans” comments. And let’s not forget her and her surrogate’s constant referral to Barack and Michelle Obama’s elitism, which is just another way of calling them uppity you-know-whats. She’s doing John McCain’s dirty work for him. No wonder Rush Limbaugh loves her campaign style.

She has turned her vengeance on former supporters, called Americans who live in caucus states irrelevant, alienated fellow democrats in Washington and has given us insight as to why conservatives hated her as much as they did when she was first lady.

Hillary Clinton is projected to take West Virginia by 15 to 25 percent on Tuesday. She will hold a victory party that night, the balloons and confetti will drop and she will tell us that the race is not over because these are her people, the kind of people who will never vote for Obama.  Some stooges in the media will agree with her and ask, “Why can’t Obama close the deal?” and pronounce that the huge victory gives her new life.

She is doing everything she can to poison the waters and make sure Obama doesn’t win the general election, thus giving her front-runner status for 2012. She fantasizes that the party and the country will admit they were terribly wrong and beg her forgiveness when McCain wins.  Only problem is, she has burned all her bridges and will be held responsible if Obama loses in November.

So there she sits on the throne in her mind surrounded by her faithful subjects: The gullible, the bitter and the dim-witted. And they’ll all come together to coronate her in West Virginia on Tuesday.  What a tragedy.

The Best Network Show You’ve Never Seen
May 9, 2008

NBC’s “30 Rock” finished its second season last night. If you’ve never seen an episode of this Emmy-winning comedy (Thursdays at nine) then shame on you.

 “30 Rock” is a behind the scenes look at a “Saturday Night Live” type sketch show. Not that it’s all about the business of show. For example last night dealt with archery, Homeland Security, The Beijing Olympics, pregnancy tests, Jimmy Carter and obtaining the perfect audio recording of an orgasm.

Tina Fey (Formally of Saturday Night Live and current star of American Express commercials) is the creator, writer and star of the show. In my opinion, there is nobody more talented working on TV today. She’s a comic genius. (And very easy on the eyes.)  Alec Baldwin is fantastic as the network/General Electric executive.  Tracy Morgan and Jane Krakowski are spot on as the narcissistic stars of the “show”. The rest of the cast is perfect.

Last year NBC ordered two series based on behind the scenes SNL. “Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip” and “30 Rock”.  “Studio 60” was an angst-ridden show about angst–ridden writers trying to change the world with their angst-ridden wit.  “30 Rock” was about the importance of ordering food in the writer’s room, sexy young writers assistants, who’s sleeping with who and how to suck up to network honchos.  As a veteran of many writers’ rooms trust me, “30 Rock” was the way more realistic portrayal. If there’s anything writers get angst-ridden over is who is ordering lunch and diner, which restaurant it’s coming from and who among them is hitting on the writers assistant.

According to the latest ratings, only 5.4 million viewers watched last week while almost double the amount watched something called “Shark”. I don’t even know what “Shark” is and I have a subscription to Daily Variety. Hopefully “30 Rock” will be in re-runs sometime this summer or until the entire cast of “American Gladiators” is arrested by the Food and Drug Administration. So when it is, catch up and laugh your as off.

What I Learned Last Night
May 7, 2008

On the night of the North Carolina and Indiana primary, this is what I learned:

I learned that there were an awful lot of Hillary supporters at her “victory party’ last night who wished they were somewhere else.

I learned that watching John King of CNN playing with that stupid media board was the same as watching an overactive child on amphetamines.  It made me uncomfortable to watch.

I learned that Obama is going to be the Democratic nominee.  As the late Chick Hearn used to say at the end of every Laker victory: “The refrigerator door is closed, the egg are cooling, the butter is getting hard and the Jell-O is jiggling!”

I learned that “American Idol” doesn’t seem to have the same buzz it used to have.

I learned that there are still a lot of dumb people who are willing to vote against their own interests.

I learned that George Stephanopoulos used up whatever credibility as a journalist he had during the Pennsylvania debate and lost his balls during the “Town Hall Meeting” with Hillary. All he’s got left is a good head of hair.

I learned it’s going to be a long season for the Mets if Carlos Beltran doesn’t start hitting.

I learned that my favorite show “Boston Legal” was moved to Wednesday nights.

I learned that if Hillary has this much trouble managing the money during the campaign, how the hell is she going to manage the economy?

I learned that Chris Matthews flip-flops more than the flip-floppers he accuses of flip-flopping.

I learned that the race card is not going to work in the general election.

I learned that I feel a lot better now there seems to be an end to this destructive primary.

Your “Liberal” Media At Work
May 6, 2008

Yesterday Rush Limbaugh had this to say about the Mayor of Los Angeles:

“I shook his hand, he left. Comes back, the mayor of Los Angeles. I thought it was a secret service agent, maybe a shoeshine guy.  Turns out he gives me his card. I said “Oh my gosh, it’s the mayor of Los Angeles.” I stood up, I said “Hello Mr. Villaraigosa.”

He called the Hispanic Mayor a “shoeshine guy” over the air.  Have you heard about it? Of course not. Not a word from the main-stream media. After all, corporate stooges who care more about their portfolios than reporting the news have to stick together. Right?

The Frugal Gourmet – 2008 Version
May 2, 2008

With the price of gas, food, medication, electricity, water, and other luxuries going through the roof, may I suggest a few mouth-watering tips to help fight the inflation battle?

“Jack-In-The-Box”.  Order the “Regular Tacos” (Two for 99 cents.)  These are without a doubt the most delicious, addicting and inexpensive artery busters available today. A deep fried corn tortilla stuffed with lettuce, a meat spread of indeterminate origin and a slice of fromage d’american.  Don’t forget to order the hot sauce on the side. (It’s free!)  I’m not kidding you, these are fantastic. The best bang for the buck, bar none. You can feed a family of four for just over four dollars.  If you want to splurge or impress, get the Oreo cookie ice cream shake. It’s a bit expensive (ask for the 2003 vintage) but worth the indulgence. Al fresco dining available on the patio so call in advance to reserve a table away from the car fumes.

“In-N-Out-Burger”. Yes, whatever you heard is true. And more. The only commercial they’ve ever run on TV is just a photo of a double-double, nothing else for 15 seconds.  It’s caused sane people to rush out of their house in a lather and get one even if they’re not hungry. Best commercial ever. Deserves a Lifetime Clio award. A double-double is two 100% pure beef patties, onions, lettuce, fromage d’american and their special sauce on a fresh bun.  This gastronomic beauty cost $2.85 and is worth every penny. The lines for take-out usually run about 20 minutes or more so be forewarned. For quicker service, be there at 10:30am when they open. The line then is usually only about ten minutes. Try not to sit next to fat people. It’s not pleasant to watch. Ask the maitre’d to move you to a table by the soft drink refill machine.

“White Castle”. If it’s good enough for Harold and Kumar, it’s good enough for me. 49 cents for a square beef patty, some kind of things that taste like onions and a pickle slice on a mushy bread-like bun. Whatever put in them, don’t worry about it. They’re delicious! Four stars! Put a little ketchup on them for the kiddies so they can have their daily-required vegetable nutritional intake. And get this, a sack of ten costs $7.68! Now THAT is a deal. No need to tip. Just like dining in Paris, the gratuity is included. The sack o’ burgers is perfect for holiday dinners. Don’t forget to send your compliments to the chef, no matter how young he is.

Of course, since the price of gas it will cost to obtain these delicacies will more than offset the prices, may I suggest breaking your prescription drugs in half to make them last twice as long.

Bon appetite!

A True Hollywood Story
April 30, 2008

A few years ago I was a consultant on a black sit-com. The executive producer was a successful African American, having written and created other network shows, hired a lot of African Americans for production and writing jobs, honored by many Black organizations for his efforts. Also, he was a really nice guy.

The show had black and white writers, including one black guy who co-created the show. Since he had no experience working on a network show, the executive producer was brought in to run things. (This is normal procedure.) We were told that we shouldn’t see the show as a black show, just a funny one and we wrote it that way. The show did moderately well for the first few months.

As the season wore on, the co-creator started to get jealous of the executive producer, his talent, his notoriety and the respect he received from everyone on the staff.  One day when I wasn’t there (That’s the great thing about being a consultant. You don’t have to be there.) the co-creator confronted the producer and told him that he heard that “the community” didn’t like the show.

One of the writers called me at home to tell me what happened.  Apparently there was a big argument between the two. I asked what “the community” not liking the show meant. The writer said it meant the show should have more “bitches and hos” stuff.

I called the producer. He was extremely depressed. I told him not to give in to the co-creator, he was just jealous and he lashed out in a way that would cut straight to the bone. However, the producer didn’t agree. He said he couldn’t go against “the community”.  It’s too powerful. Despite his stellar track record and honors, he would add the “bitches and hos” stuff.

We “dumbed” down the show according to “the community’s” wishes and everything fell apart. I’ll spare you the juicy details, but trust me; it was not pretty to watch. It was cancelled about two months later. The producer continued his work in the industry and the co-creator, who stood to gain a ton of money if the show had become a hit, was never heard from again.

It was very sad to watch a good man like the producer give in to someone who was using the race card against him as a weapon to bolster his bruised ego. It is so much harder for an African American to make it in this country because they not only have to fight off white prejudices, but the black ones, too.

I think the parallels are obvious.

The United States Is On The Clock
April 28, 2008

I was channel surfing on Saturday and saw a couple of minutes of ESPN’s NFL draft…. Okay, I watched for about six hours on Saturday… but only the third and fourth rounds on Sunday. I could not believe how much information was posted on the screen at one time.  Stats about team’s weaknesses, players combine performance numbers, who’s available at that position, blood type, you get the picture.

All four sides of the screen had constantly changing information. There were at least ten analysts, each with their own expertise, voicing their well-researched opinions over the constantly changing stats.  Everything you ever wanted to know about the second string tight end from Vanderbilt and more.

Ten to fifteen per cent of the people in this country believe Barack Obama is a Muslim. These are people that are allowed to drive cars and operate heavy machinery. They walk among us. Get my drift? How can we know so much about the NFL draft and basically know nothing about the people who are running for President Of The United States? I’ll bet most of those 10 to 15 per cent know who the first draft choice was of their favorite football team.

I also watched Meet The Press yesterday. Tim Russert playing “gotcha” with Howard Dean and four members of the press saying nothing of value for forty minutes.

“The Secret To Success”
April 25, 2008

Just surfin’ the net this morning and I saw two interesting stories placed next to each other. First was Rush Limbaugh encouraging violence and riots in Denver during the Democratic convention.  The story right under it was about some guy named Tony Zirkle, a republican who’s running for congress in Indiana’s 2nd district addressing a group of Nazi’s celebrating Hitler’s birthday.

Uh, pardon me but where’s the outrage? This is the party of family values? Whose family? Joseph Goebbles?  Is this really happening here? Are Republicans are in such bad shape that they’re courting the all important Tim McVeigh/ American Nazi vote?  And where’s the media coverage on these stories? Just a hunch but I don’t think you’ll see these stories on the mainstream media outlets.

The ABC/Disney debate is why I stopped getting my information from television a long time ago. TV journalists want to start fights. They lie. And they think you’re stupid.  I should know because I used to be one of them.  I had a successful run as a writer/ producer. Whenever I wrote a joke that was deemed “smart” or “witty”, nine times out of ten the studio audience would sit there in silence as the lines were delivered. The dumber the joke, the louder the laugh. I knew what Karl Rove figured out years ago. We’re not a smart country. If you can bowl a decent game or be someone who people want to have a beer with, knuckle draggers will vote for you against their own interests.

Chances are if you’re reading this, you are not among the intellectually unwashed and you should be congratulated. It took a lot of work to find this site and this blog. You use your computer to expand your horizons and quench your thirst for knowledge.  And you’re attractive.  Unfortunately, most people use their computers to play solitaire and download pictures of Megan Fox. (Okay so do I, but it’s just a hobby.)

The day after the 2004 elections, London’s Daily Mirror ran a headline saying “How Can 59,054,087 People Be So Dumb?” Simple, because we get our news from Rush Limbaugh, Charles Gibson and George Stephanopoulos.

“Good bye, Pennsylvania!”
April 22, 2008

Later tonight Pennsylvania will be over. No more hearing about how savvy Ed Rendell is, no more talk about how the middle of the state is like Mississippi, no more bowling, no more 3AM calls, no more lame Hardball On Campus specials, no more talk about bitterness, lapel pins, previews, prognostications, promises, pledges, pulpits, push polls, panelists, politicos, pundits, putzes and pimps.

I’m tired of the nomination progress. This one started in the 14th century, right? If you still haven’t made up your mind by now you either too wrapped up in the start of the new Major League Soccer season or you’re a moron and I think it’s extremely dangerous to leave a momentous decision of like this to a bunch of knuckleheads.

Yes I’m talking to you, super delegates!  For the love of God, make up your mind! What the hell are you waiting for?  You’re holding this country hostage and force-feeding Chris Matthews down our throats. Forget water boarding. Listening to that yahoo reminisce about his Catholic upbringing in Philadelphia would get any terrorist to spill their guts. As for myself, after forty-five minutes of hearing him blab about himself, my ears start to bleed.

I don’t know anyone who hasn’t decided on either Obama or Clinton except you, Mr. and Ms. super delegate.  What are you holding out for? Better seats at the Denver convention (closer to the concession stands)? A guest spot on The Situation Room? An autographed photo of Barney Frank? Tell us what you want and get it over with! Because once the decision is made Americans can get back to things that really matter to us, like the truth about the disappearance of Natalee Holloway.